‘It Felt Like a Job Seeker’: People Exclude First Dates in Surveys | Dating

〇This January night, while scrolling through old Hinge matches, Robert Stewart decided to revive a conversation he started with a woman on a dating app months ago. Stewart picked up where he left off and after exchanging a few greetings, he asked the woman if she wanted to answer the phone, which he hoped would lead to a date in person.

“We can do that,” the woman replied, with one caveat. “Could you fill out the questionnaire first?”

Stewart, who lives in Dallas, clicked on a Google form titled “Dating Compatibility Q&A” submitted by a woman. The woman wanted to “skip the small talk” and go straight to her jugular vein. If Stewart wanted to date her, he had to answer a series of her 26 questions, even if he wanted to answer the phone ahead of time.

The first question, “Are you married?” Stewart (not for the record) thought that was enough. I was. Was he in therapy? What was his love language? How do you arrange toilet paper on hangers in the bathroom? Does he want children? If so, what would he do if his future child came out as gay?Oh, and here are his four sentences. Can you identify the ones that contain homophones?

Stewart quickly closed the tab. “It was so ridiculous to me,” said Stewart, 32. “I messaged her back, ‘I’m not answering that.’ This is excessive. ” he murmured About dating, he joked that dating in 2023 came to this.

“Why waste money on good clothes and time when they’re not compatible?” Read one response.

Stewart then returned to the Hinge match and asked him why he needed something like a “job application” to date her.

“The premise was, if a guy is interested in her, why doesn’t he want to answer those questions,” Stewart said. is not interested.”

Stewart objected. “I thought it sounded a little elitist,” he said. “She asks me to invest all the way through to see if I’m a good candidate. But what do I get out of it? If we get to know each other.” , it should be reciprocal.”

So it didn’t work. But Stewart isn’t the first man to be asked to undergo some sort of vetting before moving the conversation from dating apps to real life. More and more people are using structured questions.

A year-end review of Tinder found that in 2022, “stances on social issues could be the difference between winning and losing.” About 75% of singles required their partners to “respect or invest in social issues.” do you want a date? You’d be better off gleefully spewing out your past voting history and the last time you went to a protest.

Philippa Wilson, 29, from Kingston, Jamaica, went viral in 2021 after tweeting a Google form asking 11 questions about potential dates.

Wilson got about 700 responses from men around the world. After culling a few joke replies, she estimated about 300 were real candidates. “I got my girlfriends together. We knuckles down and had to work to get through them all,” she told The Guardian, adding that she took the crowd to her 30 narrowed down to men. She ended up dating about four of them.

Kennedy, a 26-year-old Taylor Swift fan from Vancouver, also created her own Google Form to combat loneliness during the pandemic. “I thought that if you were going to risk getting sick, you should at least be with someone worth getting to know,” she said. (Kennedy asked not to use her last name.)

As Swiftie, she wanted to know what potential dates thought of the sometimes divisive singer. No, because I knew that if we dated, otherwise I could convince them,” Kennedy said. I’m just writing about a hundred boyfriends’ and I’ll delete them right away I don’t care if her music isn’t yours Strange hatred for her you’re a woman I don’t like it.

At first, Kennedy appreciated the public reaction. “The date went well with everyone’s personal answers,” she said. But when someone posted this form on her Reddit, she was suddenly bombarded with trolls criticizing her and her appearance. She said, “Watch out for incels, ladies who want to do this,” she said.

But can a pop quiz actually lead to love? It may not be the most romantic way to date, but before more women take a page from the HR playbook and spend their time We’re screening a match. Think of this as a simplified version of The New York Times’ 36 Questions That Lead to Love. The study behind the question by psychologist Arthur Aron investigated how asking strangers a series of personal questions promotes intimacy.

Personally, Aron and his team PersonalTheir inquiries were a little more intense than those posed at Stewart’s match.

Example: “Who in your family do you miss the most?” But both ideas are similar.

Jeff Guenther is a TikTok influencer who goes by the name Therapy Jeff and is a licensed professional therapist based in Portland. Most of Guenther’s videos inspire over 2 million viewers to take a closer look at both themselves and the people in their lives. His suggestions for “12 Really Good Second Date Questions” include “How long does the honeymoon phase usually last for you?” And “What is your greatest attraction?”

After a short break from dating, Guenther is back on the scene. He found himself influential. During his first few dates, some matches had him asking questions from his videos. And to my surprise, he hates it.

“Most of my videos are about questions you should ask yourself, or first dates, or second dates, or long-term partners, and I feel like I’ve created a monster. “Oh my God, what have I done?” Gunther said. “When you put something into HR, it’s very unattractive.”

But he still understands the urge to know absolutely everything about someone. , spend an hour or two of your life,” Gunther said. “Some people’s love language is questions. He has 2.3 million followers on TikTok. 90% of my followers are female, so this kind of question resonates more with women than men.” think.”

None of Guenther’s questions are meant to be asked in rapid-fire knockout round format. He encourages people to add them on top of natural conversation and believes that all interrogation is best left to the actual interaction – No Google Forms.

“On the first date, feel the vibe, see what it feels like to be in someone’s presence, check out the jokes and chemistry,” he said. I can ask you some questions.”

As a couples counselor, Guenther understands the harm that can happen when people fall in love too quickly without asking each other the success or failure questions. “People realize too late what they don’t like about their partner because they are so attached and in love with that person,” he said. “They’ve been together for years and really want children, but they find someone reluctant to have them. We can do it in a less costly way.”

A Taylor Swift fan, Kennedy fell in love with one of the more serious candidates who responded. I was. “It’s nice to have some things in common, but some differences add a little spice to the relationship.”

Ms. Wilson was unable to find a partner after 11 questions and is currently single. She has given up on her Google Forms for now. All the men she met on surveys were kind and respectful, but she never felt a real spark.

“At the end of the day, the guys were everything that checks on paper. They’re funny, they’re talented, they’re motivated, they’re good with kids,” Wilson said. , just because he’s good in theory doesn’t mean he’s good for me.”