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Dear Amy: I am a divorced 52 year old woman going through a disturbing situation. The men I meet for possible relationships have what I would describe as controversial personalities.
They never agree on topics that come up in conversation. Topics range from personal decisions to politics to the differences between men and women.
These men are supposed to be misogynistic, condescending, and critical of everything around them, but they see themselves as decent, normal, good men who know how to treat women. They couldn’t be more wrong.
They often present exciting topics and say women are too caught up in their emotions to handle conversations.
I don’t entertain these men for long, but I continue to have these experiences. What happened to the art of decent conversation?
After talking to these men for a short time, the focus shifts away from seeking companionship with a sparring partner.
What is this phenomenon?
the art of conversation is lacking
Dear Missing: At the risk of being accused of misandry, it goes on record that men no doubt also have a laundry list of gender-based frustrations for the women they meet.
If you’ve been through the same kind of experience over and over again, you should take a careful look at the places you use (probably online) to meet these guys and see if there are any red flags in your profile. I have. I’m more interested in sparring than sparking.
In my long journey to online matching, I admit to having had experiences similar to yours. I felt challenged and tested. To be honest, very few people wanted to know me.
This may be a function of the speed at which many people go through the matching process. Match, fit, test compatibility, move on. Also, the anonymity of social media has made some people conversational.
Here’s my take: Engaging in peaceful and informative conversations is always a rare thing (yes, it’s an art!). Being with someone who listens with interest, seems to “watch” you, and can be challenged without raising your hackles are qualities you will enjoy in a deep and close friendship. is what you’re looking for and your best bet is to go offline and join a group or organization where you can actually meet people (in real life) and get to know them over time.
Dear Amy: Regularly talk to someone using an earphone and microphone device so that you can talk on the phone while doing other things.
This person is unaware of what the speaker is saying all amplified to my ears. Worse than just being on the “speaker”.
I said several times — and get a snark in return.
They are so busy that I don’t think a single track is possible.
Even though there was an important talk, I gave up easily.
Any advice?
earphone
Dear Earbuds: Remote microphones can pick up a lot of ambient noise.
If this person calls you (not you), try again. Can you at least make me a speaker? “
Dear Amy: I was a part-time sex worker 35 years ago and wanted to protect this knowledge from my mother-in-law (I signed the letter “Holding”).
“Upset” then wrote to you, disappointed that you hadn’t called me to be a sex worker when I was younger.
In response, I would like to say the following.
1) 35 years ago!
2) I don’t think it did any long term damage to my psyche or libido.
3) My husband was a client. Why doesn’t the upset call him that he patronizes sex workers?
4) You’d be surprised how many seemingly “normal” young women have been prostitutes at some point in their lives, trying to make ends meet in college or graduate school. 300 or she thinks 1 woman in 400 has done this.
still have
Dear Holding: I don’t often refute previously published Q&As, but you make a very good point.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or on her Facebook.
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