Being conned on LGBTQIA+ dating apps and how to deal with it

Amit (name changed) was scrolling through a dating app one day, when an attractive man from a foreign country started texting him. Hooked by the man’s charm, Amit could see it turning into a serious relationship after a few weeks of texting. Soon, the man arrived in India to meet Amit. But he was detained by Customs officials at the airport and needed help paying off some fines. After Amit anxiously arranged the money and made the payments, the texts suddenly stopped. The ‘boyfriend’ vanished into thin air, leaving him short of Rs 33 lakh.

Such experiences are not uncommon, especially among gay and bisexual men in India. Amit is just one of the many men who’ve faced such a situation and called the Bengaluru-based Swabhava Trust’s helpline for LGBTQIA+ persons, operated by peer counsellor and the trust’s executive director Vinay Chandran. Although same sex relations were decriminalised by the Supreme Court in 2018, social realities of LGBTQIA+ persons put them at risk of catfishing and other forms of deception while looking for intimacy online. On many occasions, people on gay dating or cruising apps such as Grindr and PlanetRomeo have been swindled out of huge sums of money, or faced extortion under the threat of being outed to their friends, family, or co-workers. This can be a very painful situation to be in, especially for people who do not want to reveal their sexual identity to the police or their friends and family. TNM spoke to legal experts, counsellors, and users of such apps to understand how to navigate such situations, and the kind of support systems available.

Fraud and blackmail on dating apps: The modus operandi

What happened to Amit is a common con with an established modus operandi, according to LGBTQIA+ activists. L Ramakrishnan from the NGO SAATHII, who also volunteers as a peer counsellor with the Chennai-based LGBTQIA+ support group Orinam Collective, says that several extortion incidents reported recently have followed a similar pattern. “You start texting a person on an app, and they claim to be from a foreign country, probably the United States or a European country. The conversations go well, and it starts to feel like the perfect relationship. One day, they suddenly call you and say that they have travelled all the way to India to meet you, but have been caught by Customs officials in the airport for carrying a large sum of money [in foreign currency]. They ask you to send some money to pay off fines, claiming that they’ll return it once they’re released,” Ramakrishnan explains.

Since such requests often come after a bond is built with each other, people often send the money without a second thought. “Sometimes a large sum of money is transferred in one go, or it might take place in several instalments,” he says, adding that the money extorted ranges from a few thousands to several lakhs of rupees.

Another scam involves subjecting closeted gay or bisexual men to violence and extortion by threatening to out them to their family, neighbours, landlords, friends, or coworkers. Senthil, an IT professional from Bengaluru, says that extortion under similar threats was common in the online dating scene before Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) was read down in 2018. He narrates how people were often extorted by those they met through Yahoo chat rooms, which was widely used in the late 2000s. “It usually started with a good-looking man sending you a photograph. Sharing a photo was a big deal back then. When you eventually invite them to your place and get intimate, a group of five or six people would enter the room and take photos, beat you up, and take your money and belongings,” he says, adding that now the more common con is that of the ‘foreign boyfriend’, often claiming to be a doctor, businessman, or some other professional to appear credible.

Anoop, a management professional based in Bengaluru, speaks of a similar experience from 2015, when a man he met through WeChat (which had a People Nearby feature) shared his photograph with him before they met. “When we met, he turned out to be a different person,” Anoop says, adding that the man then became sexually aggressive and took photos, which he used as a blackmail tool. “Threatening to show them to my landlord, he sexually assaulted me. I was young, but had the presence of mind to get him to leave the house soon and lock the door. I escaped without serious harm, but it was a traumatic experience,” says Anoop. According to Vinay Chandran, who often receives calls from people in similar situations, threatening to out closeted persons is not uncommon even post-2018.

Apps for LGBTQIA+ persons unsafe?

Apps like Grindr and PlanetRomeo are used more commonly for casual sex encounters, Anoop says, describing the online dating and hookup norms among gay, bisexual men and the difference between various dating and cruising apps. The apps typically allow anonymity, with some like Tinder providing the option of photo verification. While anonymity in online spaces is crucial, especially for those who have not come out, it can also enable fraud and pave the way for extortion. “You may talk for five minutes and decide to hookup, which is also why some people go through bad experiences. They may not do basic checks like meeting the person outside for a while first,” he says.

Anoop adds that closeted persons, including married men in their 30s or older, are more likely to be targets of extortion and exploitation. He recalls the experience of a colleague in Gurgaon, who met someone through Grindr. “While he was home, a group of men came and banged on his door and threatened to out him to everyone. He was so paranoid of being outed that he ended up paying Rs 2 lakh,” he says.

In Senthil’s view, dating or cruising apps for LGBTQIA+ persons are designed differently from those meant primarily for heterosexual people, adding that the former allows users to send messages to anyone, with distance-based filters that show all users in the immediate vicinity. This visibility also leads to threats. “The app works based on our GPS location, and it can get distressing sometimes as people can stalk you,” he says.

Anoop relates the unpleasant experience of a Chennai young man on Grindr last year. “Someone texted him on Grindr, saying they knew him and which college he went to. It made him paranoid.” Anoop says that he avoids meeting people who live nearby, to avoid the risk of them showing up at his residence in case they turn obsessive or problematic.

Impunity enjoyed by perpetrators

A key reason why LGBTQIA+ persons are at risk on such apps is the impunity enjoyed by those who exploit them. Ramakrishnan underlines that victims of such incidents are generally reluctant to file a complaint for fear of disclosing their identities. “Even in cases where the victim does go to the police station, the questioning gets too personal. There are people who have tried and confronted homophobic behaviour in police stations. In one case, the police officer called the parents and informed them. It was outright moral policing,” he says.

Vinay too agrees that police officers often resort to victim blaming in such instances, asking people why they met or engaged with the perpetrators. “Most people are unaware of the legal process, and police officers abuse this. Even if you take along a lawyer, unless it is someone they know, or is a senior advocate, the police ask them to step out and resort to threats. There’s no buffer between the client who has been exploited and the police who further victim blame them. The process can be traumatising,” Vinay says. He adds that in most cases, the police merely accept a complaint letter without filing a First Information Report (FIR), which would then require them to conduct an investigation.

In most cases, there is no follow-up, and perpetrators get away without any consequences, Vinay says. “Even if they manage to find the perpetrator, the money is seldom recovered,” he says, adding that losing even small amounts of money affects people in precarious economic situations.

What to do in such situations

Psychological aid and support groups

Vinay says that people experience a lot of guilt, shame, and fear after such incidents, which can be traumatic. “A lot of people who are new to online dating or cruising apps uninstall them after such experiences. They tend to feel that the incident was their punishment for going on the app,” he says. Especially for people without access to support systems or without friends from the LGBTQIA+ community, such incidents lead to paranoia, he adds. “They become terrified of meeting people,” he says.

“To people who are not out yet, we say, ‘Stop punishing yourself and start embracing who you are. There’s nothing wrong with who you are, and you’re not the only one who has gone through this. You should be angry at the crime and not be ashamed of yourself.’ Repeating this and getting them to reach out to local support groups helps. They need to connect with other LGBTQIA+ persons outside of spaces like Grindr and PlanetRomeo,” he says.

Stressing on the importance of support groups, Vinay says that even on the apps, people can try and meet others who are looking for friends, who they can talk to and depend on. “The more you interact in person with people who are comfortable with themselves, the more comfortable you get, and it becomes easier to deal with such incidents,” he says, suggesting support groups like Goodasyou in Bengaluru and others where people can find peers who understand what they’re going through. He further suggests seeing a counsellor, sharing their experience with others, and coming out to family or colleagues and others whenever possible, so that there’s nothing to fear. Here’s a list of helplines in English and other languages that people can reach out to.

Anoop says that extortionists capitalise on the fear of being outed, and that being aggressive and confident or even pretending to be so, scares them away. “I’ve faced situations where people threatened to out me by messaging people on my Instagram. If you take charge and say, ‘Go on, I want you to do it. Let’s go to the police,’ they get very scared,” he says. Even in cases where people are identified on gay dating apps by acquaintances or family who threaten to out them, Anoop says there’s nothing to fear. “I told my friend who got such a message on Grindr, ‘If they saw your profile, that means they’re also using the app.’ And even if someone takes a screenshot of your profile, it doesn’t prove anything. Anyone can upload anyone’s photo.”

Legal aid

Kunal Ambasta, assistant professor at National Law School of India University (NLSIU) in Bengaluru, suggests the following steps for people wishing to take legal recourse in case they become a victim of a scam:

> Collect all the documentation you have access to, such as bank records in the form of transfer transactions, bank account details, phone numbers, messages, etc.

> Visit a lawyer immediately and inform them of what happened, with details including the duration of the relationship, the amount of money sent, accounts used, etc.

> When approaching the police, remember that threat and extortion are punishable under sections 384 (punishment for extortion) and 399 (preparation to commit dacoity) of the IPC, as well as relevant sections of the Information Technology Act.

> Approach the cybercrime police for cyber extortion cases.

In this blogpost for Orinam Collective titled My Boyfriend is a Scam, Vinay lists several suggestions for people in such situations, from getting your bank to block the payments, to collecting documentation, filing an FIR or cybercrime complaint, dealing with the police, handling the financial crisis, and practising self-care.

Being on your guard on dating apps

Dating apps can lead to fun, pleasurable, and meaningful encounters that help LGBTQIA+ persons find peers who can support them, and form important friendships. Gay persons who’ve been on these apps for a long time suggest several tips to avoid swindlers and have a safe experience.

Senthil says that he usually watches out for the following warning signs when he starts chatting with someone on a dating app:

> They immediately talk about personal problems like their parents’ health issues, recent loss of money, an accident etc for which they might seek financial help.

> They display hyper narcissism, acting like them talking to you is an act of benevolence.

> They try to give you the impression that they come from an affluent background, by casually talking about spending large amounts on dinner and such.

A few red flags that Anoop mentions are:

> People who refuse to share their phone number or other basic details, and insist on meeting in person at the earliest. “Even if they come and steal something or do some harm, you will not be able to trace them,” he says. In case the person has not come out yet and is afraid of sharing their actual number, Anoop says he would ask to get an alternative number. “At least you have the assurance that you can contact them if something goes wrong,” he says.

> People who push you to meet immediately should also be dealt with carefully, Anoop says, suggesting that it would be better to take time to talk to a person and get comfortable before meeting them.

> People who try to get you to spend money on them from the beginning, like asking you to book them a cab to meet you.

> If their profile picture looks too good to be true, like something out of a model’s portfolio, there’s a high chance it’s fake.

Some other advice from Anoop and Senthil:

> Don’t share personal information including your photo, number, workplace, or even real name if you don’t want to, until you’ve known the person for a while. Just say you’re not comfortable doing so.

> Video calls to authenticate their identity may help, but people also need to be cautious of their videos being recorded and their privacy getting violated. People must be careful not to put themselves in a compromising position on such calls.

> Even in the case of instant hookups, first exchange numbers and talk to them. Avoid them if they refuse to share their number. You can also do a video call first and make sure you feel comfortable with them and the way they talk. Be cautious of your videos being recorded and privacy being violated.

> The first meeting should always be in a public place that is not close to where you live, and make sure you feel comfortable around them.

> Avoid carrying a lot of cash, valuables, expensive jewellery, watches etc when meeting them initially.

> Have clarity about the things you are comfortable with. If they force you to do something you find uncomfortable, be firm or leave.